Now that I think about it, Ishirō Honda's All Monsters Attack may have the greatest runtime-to-kaiju-footage ratio that I've ever seen in a Japanese Godzilla movie. And yet, it is easily the worst Godzilla film I have ever seen. So I don't want to hear any more belly-aching from people who claim that Gareth Edwards' Godzilla (2014) sucked because you didn't see much of the titular kaiju. Let it be forever known that kaiju screentime does not equal cinematic quality. I hated this movie. I hated how they made an annoying, bratty child the protagonist (what is this, a Gamera movie?). I hated how the use of stock footage was the norm and not the exception. I hated how they neutered Godzilla; how they made Minilla talk; how they officially converted kaiju into children's mascots; how they broke up the occasional interesting fight scene with scenes of the kid fighting some of the most laughably ineffectual yakuza members ever put on screen. I hated all of it. Well, that's not entirely true. I did enjoy watching Gabara Sith-Lightning Minilla. And Gabara had a pretty cool design (we need more hairy kaiju). But All Monsters Attack was miserable. I can't believe it was directed by the man who gave us Godzilla in the first place.
1/10
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