The Fearless Vampire Killers: Roman Polanski

Do you remember in old cartoons that whenever a comically obese person walked down the street they would be accompanied by a farting tuba?  During Roman Polanski's The Fearless Vampire Killers, I could hear that sound almost the entire time.  This insipidly stupid film plays like a tongue-in cheek satire of the old Hammer horror films...except without being funny or scary.  Almost the entire film is structured around Professor Abronsius and his apprentice Alfred, two "vampire killers," who bumble around a Transylvania town beset by vampires.  Of course, we don't see a vampire or anything supernatural until almost 50 minutes in because the film is too busy having the professor and student knock into things in tired attempts at slapstick.  Eventually, a beautiful young woman is kidnapped, they go to the castle, they rescue the girl, blah blah blah.  This story is so tired that not even the actors seem interested in it.  There are almost no vampires in this movie, either.  The combined screen time of the vampires in this film must only be 10-15 minutes.  Everything about this movie is poorly executed. This was Polanski's first attempt at making anything other than a low-budget, independent art film.  And...I must admit...if this is the price that we had to pay for Polanski's transition to the mainstream...I'll gladly take it.  Films like Rosemary's Baby, Chinatown, and Macbeth are worth 90+ minutes of cinematic pain.

2/10