Nicholas Webster's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians breaks the sacrosanct rule of bad movies: if you can't be good, at the very least don't also be annoying. And, oh, is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians annoying. It's as maddening as a hardware store worth of nails scraping against an infinity of chalkboards. The plain and simple of this story is that Martians kidnap Santa Claus along with a couple of plucky Earth children. Santa Claus then brings Christmas to the Martians while defeating the evil Voldar who wants to eliminate him! Along the way there are laughably bad sets (which seem to be made of construction paper), hilariously inept costumes (including a tin can robot and a polar bear outfit that looks like it was made from carpet samples), and truly atrocious performances (particularly from Dropo, a Martian who acts like a comedian who knows he's terrible but thinks if he just overacts a little bit more people will start to laugh). The film climaxes with a scene where the Earth children defeat the mighty Voldar by attacking him with Christmas gifts. It's loud, obnoxious, and saturated with Santa's mighty HO HO HO. This is a film devoid of subtlety, charm, pacing, and humor. Oh...and the Martians have chicken wire antenna, too. I thought that was a cliche that died out in the 50s. Well, forget it. Just writing about this movie is making me want to grab a bottle of aspirin.
3/10
This was one of the first MST3Ks I saw and is still one of my favorites. What a strange movie. You gotta love the title! I actually think this is a marginally better movie than the other Santa Claus movie they did on MST3K (aptly titled Santa Claus) though I actually prefer that episode just a little.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to pick between the two...I'd choose a fiery death.
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