Laserblast: Michael Rae

Years from now, I'll probably only remember two things about Laserblast: a gas station that blows up 4-5 times in a row and stop-motion naked turtle aliens.  That may sound like obvious things to remember, but consider that the film is supposed to be about a teenager who discovers an alien arm cannon in the desert that transforms him into a psychotic, green-skinned maniac. Somehow, I feel like I should remember that premise more than a couple of special effects. But Laserblast sports such a painfully dull screenplay that even the silliest special effects come as electric jolts to the attention span. The teenager, named Billy Duncan, is such a wooden actor that the stop-motion aliens out-act him. It turns out that Billy is not the first person to be transformed by the arm cannon. In the opening scenes, the aforementioned aliens gun down another human being who went crazy under the arm cannon's influence. And then, for some insane reason, instead of retrieving the weapon of mass destruction, they just fly off after disintegrating the poor man. When they are informed by their leader that Billy has discovered the arm cannon, they seem shocked and immediately fly back to earth to kill him. And then, after stopping Billy, they leave the arm cannon on earth again. These are clearly not the smartest aliens in the universe. But then again this isn't the smartest film in the universe, either. If I've given you the impression that Laserblast is a thrilling, albeit poorly made, sci-fi film, then I apologize.  For a film about aliens and arm cannons there are a ton of pointless and drawn out driving scenes. Much of the film is spent watching the characters drive from scene to scene while listening to music that sounds vaguely like classic rock.  And, believe it or not, it's even less thrilling than it sounds.  Laserblast is a disjointed, nonsensical, and boring mess.

4/10